SAINT AUGUSTINE
CONFESSIONS: BOOK TWO
TABLE OF CONTENTS
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OBJECT OF THESE CONFESSIONS. FURTHER ILLS OF
IDLENESS DEVELOPED IN HIS SIXTEENTH YEAR. EVILS OF ILL SOCIETY, WHICH BETRAYED
HIM INTO THEFT
I WILL now call to mind my past
foulness, and the carnal corruptions of my soul; not because I love them, but
that I may love Thee, O my God. For love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my
most wicked ways in the very bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest
grow sweet unto me (Thou sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured
sweetness); and gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was
torn piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among a
multiplicity of things. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore, to be
satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with these various
and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank in Thine eyes;
pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men.
2 And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved? but I kept not
the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright boundary: but out of
the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the bubblings of youth, mists fumed
up which beclouded and overcast my heart, that I could not discern the clear
brightness of love from the fog of lustfulness. Both did confusedly boil in
me, and hurried my unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and
sunk me in a gulf of flagitiousnesses. Thy wrath had gathered over me, and I
knew it not. I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality,
the punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee, and
Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and dissipated, and
I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy
joy! Thou then heldest Thy peace, and I wandered further and further from
Thee, into more and more fruitless seed-plots of sorrows, with a proud
dejectedness, and a restless weariness.
3 Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account the
fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation! had put a
bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth might have cast
themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be calmed, and kept
within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes, O Lord: who this way
formest the offspring of this our death, being able with a gentle hand to
blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy paradise? For Thy omnipotency is
not far from us, even when we be far from Thee. Else ought I more watchfully
to have heeded the voice from the clouds: Nevertheless such shall have trouble
in the flesh, but I spare you. And it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
And, he that is unmarried thinketh of the things of the Lord, how he may
please the Lord; but he that is married careth for the things of this world,
how he may please his wife.
4 To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being severed for
the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy embraces; but I,
poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the rushing of my own tide,
forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet I escaped not Thy scourges.
For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever with me mercifully rigorous, and
besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my unlawful pleasures: that I might
seek pleasures without alloy. But where to find such, I could not discover,
save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest by sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and
killest us, lest we die from Thee. Where was I, and how far was I exiled from
the delights of Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when
the madness of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth free license, though
unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself wholly to
it? My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my fall; their only
care was that I should learn to speak excellently, and be a persuasive orator.
5 For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from Madaura
(a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and rhetoric), the
expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being provided for me; and
that, rather by the resolution than the means of my father, who was but a poor
freeman of Thagaste. To whom tell I this? not to Thee, my God; but before Thee
to mine own kind, even to that small portion of mankind as may light upon
these writings of mine. And to what purpose? that whosoever reads this, may
think out of what depths we are to cry unto Thee. For what is nearer to Thine
ears than a confessing heart, and a life of faith? Who did not extol my
father, for that beyond the ability of his means, he would furnish his son
with all necessaries for a far journey for his studies' sake? For many far
abler citizens did no such thing for their children. But yet this same father
had no concern how I grew towards Thee, or how chaste I were; so that I were
but copious in speech, however barren I were to Thy culture, O God, who art
the only true and good Lord of Thy field, my heart.
6 But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all
school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the
narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew rank
over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my father saw
me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued with a restless
youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his descendants, gladly told
it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of the senses wherein the world
forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh enamoured of Thy creature, instead
of Thyself, through the fumes of that invisible wine of its self-will, turning
aside and bowing down to the very basest things. But in my mother's breast
Thou hadst already begun Thy temple, and the foundation of Thy holy
habitation, whereas my father was as yet but a catechumen, and that but
recently. She then was startled with a holy fear and trembling; and though I
was not as yet baptised, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk
who turn their back to Thee, and not their face.
7 Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I
wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me? And
whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful one, Thou
sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as to do it. For
she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety warned me, "not
to commit fornication; but especially never to defile another man's
wife." These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should blush to obey.
But they were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought Thou wert silent and
that it was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not silent unto me; and in her
wast despised by me, her son, the son of Thy handmaid, Thy servant. But I knew
it not; and ran headlong with such blindness, that amongst my equals I was
ashamed of a less shamelessness, when I heard them boast of their
flagitiousness, yea, and the more boasting, the more they were degraded: and I
took pleasure, not only in the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise. What
is worthy of dispraise but vice? But I made myself worse than I was, that I
might not be dispraised; and when in any thing I had not sinned as the
abandoned ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I might
not seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent; or of less account, the
more chaste.
8 Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and wallowed in
the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious ointments. And that I
might cleave the faster to its very centre, the invisible enemy trod me down,
and seduced me, for that I was easy to be seduced. Neither did the mother of
my flesh (who had now fled out of the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly
in the skirts thereof), as she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had
heard of me from her husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal
affection (if it could not be pared away to the quick) what she felt to be
pestilent at present and for the future dangerous. She heeded not this, for
she feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes. Not
those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in Thee; but the
hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous I should attain; my
father, because he had next to no thought of Thee, and of me but vain
conceits; my mother, because she accounted that those usual courses of
learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some furtherance towards
attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture, recalling, as well as I may, the
disposition of my parents. The reins, meantime, were slackened to me, beyond
all temper of due severity, to spend my time in sport, yea, even unto
dissoluteness in whatsoever I affected. And in all was a mist, intercepting
from me, O my God, the brightness of Thy truth; and mine iniquity burst out as
from very fatness.
9 Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts of
men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief will abide a thief? not
even a rich thief, one stealing through want. Yet I lusted to thieve, and did
it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a cloyedness of welldoing,
and a pamperedness of iniquity. For I stole that, of which I had enough, and
much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin
itself. A pear tree there was near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting
neither for colour nor taste. To shake and rob this, some lewd young fellows
of us went, late one night (having according to our pestilent custom prolonged
our sports in the streets till then), and took huge loads, not for our eating,
but to fling to the very hogs, having only tasted them. And this, but to do
what we liked only, because it was misliked. Behold my heart, O God, behold my
heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit. Now,
behold let my heart tell Thee what it sought there, that I should be
gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill, but the ill itself. It was
foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish, I loved mine own fault, not that for
which I was faulty, but my fault itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament
to utter destruction; not seeking aught through the shame, but the shame
itself!
10 For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, and
all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and each other
sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldly honour hath also its
grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery; whence springs also the
thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these, we may not depart from Thee,
O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life also which here we live hath its
own enchantment, through a certain proportion of its own, and a correspondence
with all things beautiful here below. Human friendship also is endeared with a
sweet tie, by reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all
these, and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination
towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are
forsaken,--Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower things
have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things; for in Him doth
the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright in heart.
11 When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it appear
that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those which we
called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are beautiful and
comely; although compared with those higher and beatific goods, they be abject
and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he loved his wife or his estate; or
would rob for his own livelihood; or feared to lose some such things by him;
or, wronged, was on fire to be revenged. Would any commit murder upon no
cause, delighted simply in murdering? who would believe it? for as for that
furious and savage man, of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and
cruel, yet is the cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through
idleness hand or heart should grow inactive." And to what end? that,
through that practice of guilt, he might, having taken the city, attain to
honours, empire, riches, and be freed from fear of the laws, and his
embarrassments from domestic needs, and consciousness of villainies. So then,
not even Catiline himself loved his own villainies, but something else, for
whose sake he did them.
12 What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of
darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not, because thou
wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to thee? Fair were the
pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou fairest of all, Creator
of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good and my true good. Fair were
those pears, but not them did my wretched soul desire; for I had store of
better, and those I gathered, only that I might steal. For, when gathered, I
flung them away, my only feast therein being my own sin, which I was pleased
to enjoy. For if aught of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it
was the sin. And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted
me; and behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice
and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and animal life
of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in their orbs; or the
earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its birth that which decayeth;
nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty which belongeth to deceiving
vices.
For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God exalted over
all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory? whereas Thou alone art to
be honoured above all, and glorious for evermore. The cruelty of the great
would fain be feared; but who is to be feared but God alone, out of whose
power what can be wrested or withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by
whom? The tendernesses of the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is
nothing more tender than Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than
that Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of a
desire of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance and
foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and uninjuriousness;
because nothing is found more single than Thee: and what less injurious, since
they are his own works which injure the sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at
rest; but what stable rest besides the Lord? Luxury affects to be called
plenty and abundance; but Thou art the fulness and never-failing plenteousness
of incorruptible pleasures. Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but
Thou art the most overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess
many things: and Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency:
what more excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly
than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endanger things
beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what unwonted or
sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or where but with Thee
is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things lost, the delight of its
desires; because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing can from
Thee.
13 Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking
without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns to
Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee, and lift
themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee, they imply Thee
to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no place whither altogether
to retire from Thee. What then did I love in that theft? and wherein did I
even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to
do contrary to Thy law, because by power I could not, so that being a
prisoner, I might mimic a maimed liberty by doing with impunity things
unpermitted me, a darkened likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant,
fleeing from his Lord, and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness
of life, and depth of death! could I like what I might not, only because I
might not?
14 What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these
things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord, and thank
Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me these so great
and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and to Thy mercy, that
Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy grace I ascribe also
whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might I not have done, who even
loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I confess to have been forgiven me;
both what evils I committed by my own wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I
committed not. What man is he, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to
ascribe his purity and innocency to his own strength; that so he should love
Thee the less, as if he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins
to those that turn to Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice,
and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing of myself,
let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that Physician, through
whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less, sick: and for this let
him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by whom he sees me to have been
recovered from such deep consumption of sin, by Him he sees himself to have
been from the like consumption of sin preserved.
15 What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the remembrance
whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which I loved for the
theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the more miserable I, who
loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such was I then, I remember, alone I
had never done it. I loved then in it also the company of the accomplices,
with whom I did it? I did not then love nothing else but the theft, yea rather
I did love nothing else; for that circumstance of the company was also
nothing. What is, in truth? who can teach me, save He that enlighteneth my
heart, and discovereth its dark corners? What is it which hath come into my
mind to enquire, and discuss, and consider? For had I then loved the pears I
stole, and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it alone, had the bare
commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure; nor needed I have
inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of accomplices. But since
my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the offence itself, which the
company of fellow-sinners occasioned.
16 What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was me,
who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his errors? It was the
sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled those who little
thought what we were doing, and much misliked it. Why then was my delight of
such sort that I did it not alone? Because none doth ordinarily laugh alone?
ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes masters men alone and singly when no
one whatever is with them, if any thing very ludicrous presents itself to
their senses or mind. Yet I had not done this alone; alone I had never done
it. Behold my God, before Thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul; alone, I had
never committed that theft wherein what I stole pleased me not, but that I
stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor had I done it. O friendship too
unfriendly! thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul, thou greediness to do
mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst of others' loss, without
lust of my own gain or revenge: but when it is said, "Let's go, let's do
it," we are ashamed not to be shameless.
17 Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul is it: I hate
to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for, O Righteousness and
Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a satisfaction
unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable. Whoso enters into
Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not fear, and shall do
excellently in the All-Excellent. I sank away from Thee, and I wandered, O my
God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in these days of my youth, and I
became to myself a barren land.
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