SAINT AUGUSTINE
CONFESSIONS: BOOK NINE
TABLE OF CONTENTS
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AUGUSTINE DETERMINES TO DEVOTE HIS LIFE TO
GOD, AND TO ABANDON HIS PROFESSION OF RHETORIC, QUIETLY HOWEVER; RETIRES TO
THE COUNTRY TO PREPARE HIMSELF TO RECEIVE THE GRACE OF BAPTISM, AND IS
BAPTISED WITH ALYPIUS, AND HIS SON ADEODATUS. AT OSTIA, IN HIS WAY TO AFRICA,
HIS MOTHER MONNICA DIES, IN HER FIFTY-SIXTH YEAR, THE THIRTY-THIRD OF
AUGUSTINE. HER LIFE AND CHARACTER.
O LORD, I am Thy servant; I am Thy
servant, and the son of Thy handmaid: Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I
will offer to Thee the sacrifice of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise
Thee; yea, let all my bones say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say,
and answer Thou me, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and
what am I? What evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my
words, or if not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, art good and merciful,
and Thy right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom
of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole gift was, to
nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where through all
those years, and out of what low and deep recess was my free-will called forth
in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy easy yoke, and my shoulders unto
Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer? How sweet did it
at once become to me, to want the sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared
to be parted from, was now a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth
from me, Thou true and highest sweetness. Thou castedst them forth, and for
them enteredst in Thyself, sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and
blood; brighter than all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher than
all honour, but not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my soul free
from the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering in filth, and
scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue spake freely to Thee, my
brightness, and my riches, and my health, the Lord my God.
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to withdraw,
the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that the young, no
students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying dotages and
law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for their madness. And
very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto the Vacation of the
Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a regular way to take my
leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no more to return for sale. Our
purpose then was known to Thee; but to men, other than our own friends, was it
not known. For we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any:
although to us, now ascending from the valley of tears, and singing that song
of degrees, Thou hadst given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the
subtle tongue, which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of
love devour us, as it doth its meat.
2 Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words as it
were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants, whom for black
Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled together in the
receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that our heavy torpor, that
we should not sink down to the abyss; and they fired us so vehemently, that
all the blasts of subtle tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the
more fiercely, not extinguish us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake
which Thou hast hallowed throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might
also find some to commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the
vacation now so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was
before the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine, and observing
how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would talk much
of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what end had it
served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my purpose, and that our
good should be evil spoken of.
3 Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs began
to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply with
difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were injured, and to
refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had troubled me, for it almost
constrained me of necessity to lay down that burden of teaching, or, if I
could be cured and recover, at least to intermit it. But when the full wish
for leisure, that I might see how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was
fixed, in me; my God, Thou knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this
secondary, and that no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the
offence taken by those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the
freedom of Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of
time were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured
manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of this
heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been overwhelmed,
had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy servants, my
brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart fully set on Thy
service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the chair of lies. Nor
would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most merciful Lord, pardoned and
remitted this sin also, with my other most horrible and deadly sins, in the
holy water?
4 Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that being
held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw that he should
be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian, his wife one of the
faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any other chain, was he let and
hindered from the journey which we had now essayed. For he would not, he said,
be a Christian on any other terms than on those he could not. However, he
offered us courteously to remain at his country-house so long as we should
stay there. Thou, O Lord, shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just,
seeing Thou hast already given him the lot of the righteous. For although, in
our absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily sickness, and
therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed this
life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest remembering
the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable to number him
among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable sorrow. Thanks unto
Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions and consolations tell us,
Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest Verecundus for his country-house of
Cassiacum, where from the fever of the world we reposed in Thee, with the
eternal freshness of Thy Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins
upon earth, in that rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine
own mountain.
5 He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he also, not
being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most pernicious error,
believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet emerging thence, he
believed as we did; not as yet endued with any Sacraments of Thy Church, but a
most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom, not long after our conversion and
regeneration by Thy Baptism, being also a faithful member of the Church
Catholic, and serving Thee in perfect chastity and continence amongst his
people in Africa, his whole house having through him first been made
Christian, didst Thou release from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's
bosom. Whatever that be, which is signified by that bosom, there lives my
Nebridius, my sweet friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man:
there he liveth. For what other place is there for such a soul? There he
liveth, whereof he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not
his ear to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh
as much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly
happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget me;
seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were we then,
comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship permitted, that our
conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to become faithful, according
to his measure, namely, of a married estate; and awaiting Nebridius to follow
us, which, being so near, he was all but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled
by at length; for long and many they seemed, for the love I bare to the
easeful liberty, that I might sing to Thee from my inmost marrow, My heart
hath said unto Thee, I have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
6 Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric
Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done. Thou
didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart. And I
blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What I there did
in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though still, in this
breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of pride, my books may
witness, as well what I debated with others, as what with myself alone, before
Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my Epistles bear witness. And when
shall I have time to rehearse all Thy great benefits towards us at that time,
especially when hasting on to yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls
me, and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads
Thou tamedst me; and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills
of my high imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough
ways; and how Thou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the
name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he would
not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For rather would he
have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, which the Lord hath now
broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, the antidote against
serpents.
7 Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of
David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no
swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love, resting
in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to us, in female
garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age, motherly love,
Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee in those Psalms, and
how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on fire to rehearse them, if
possible, through the whole world, against the pride of mankind! And yet they
are sung through the whole world, nor can any hide himself from Thy heat. With
what vehement and bitter sorrow was I angered at the Manichees! and again I
pitied them, for they knew not those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad
against the antidote which might have recovered them of their madness. How I
would they had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they
were there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read
the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought upon me:
When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in tribulation Thou
enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear my prayer. Would that what
I uttered on these words, they could hear, without my knowing whether they
heard, lest they should think I spake it for their sakes! Because in truth
neither should I speak the same things, nor in the same way, if I perceived
that they heard and saw me; nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as
when I spake by and for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my
soul.
8 I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in Thy
mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice, when Thy
good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long slow of heart?
why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had loved vanity, and
sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already magnified Thy Holy One,
raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at Thy right hand, whence from on
high He should send His promise, the Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He
had already sent Him, but I knew it not; He had sent Him, because He was now
magnified, rising again from the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till
then, the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. And
the prophet cries out, How long, slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and
seek after leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He
cries out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and I so long, not knowing,
loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and therefore I heard and trembled,
because it was spoken unto such as I remembered myself to have been. For in
those phantoms which I had held for truths, was there vanity and leasing; and
I spake aloud many things earnestly and forcibly, in the bitterness of my
remembrance. Which would they had heard, who yet love vanity and seek after
leasing! They would perchance have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and
Thou wouldest hear them when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the
flesh did He die for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us.
9 I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God, who had
now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might not sin in
time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not another nature of a
people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say who are not angry at
themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day of wrath, and of the
revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good things now without, nor
sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly sun; for they that would have
joy from without soon become vain, and waste themselves on the things seen and
temporal, and in their famished thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh that
they were wearied out with their famine, and said, Who will show us good
things? And we would say, and they hear, The light of Thy countenance is
sealed upon us. For we are not that light which enlighteneth every man, but we
are enlightened by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light
in Thee. Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I
was grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their
heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will show us
good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my chamber, where I
was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying my old man and
commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust in Thee,--there hadst
Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put gladness in my heart. And I
cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding it inwardly. Nor would I be
multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away time, and wasted by time; whereas
I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence other corn, and wine, and oil.
10 And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in peace, O
for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and sleep, for who shall
hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is written, Death is
swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art the Self-same, Who art not
changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all toil, for there is none
other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many other things, which are not
what Thou art: but Thou, Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope. I read, and
kindled; nor found I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom myself had
been, a pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against those writings,
which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own light:
and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture.
11 When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither have I
forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and the wonderful
swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with pain in my teeth;
which when it had come to such height that I could not speak, it came into my
heart to desire all my friends present to pray for me to Thee, the God of all
manner of health. And this I wrote on wax, and gave it them to read. Presently
so soon as with humble devotion we had bowed our knees, that pain went away.
But what pain? or how went it away? I was aftrighted, O my Lord, my God; for
from infancy I had never experienced the like. And the power of Thy Nod was
deeply conveyed to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that
faith suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not yet
forgiven me by Thy baptism.
The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide their
scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I had both made
choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of breathing and pain in my
chest was not equal to the Professorship. And by letters I signified to Thy
Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and present desires, begging
his advice what of Thy Scriptures I had best read, to become readier and
fitter for receiving so great grace. He recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I
believe, because he above the rest is a more clear fore-shower of the Gospel
and of the calling of the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson
in him, and imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when
better practised in our Lord's own words.
12 Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we left the
country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be with me born
again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility befitting Thy
Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as, with unwonted
venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare feet. We joined with
us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh, of my sin. Excellently hadst Thou
made him. He was not quite fifteen; and in wit surpassed many grave and
learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of all, and
abundantly able to reform our deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but
the sin. For that we brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou, none else,
had inspired us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of
ours entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest
that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his ideas, in
his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet more admirable, I found in him. That
talent struck awe into me. And who but Thou could be the workmaster of such
wonders? Soon didst Thou take his life from the earth: and I now remember him
without anxiety, fearing nothing for his childhood or youth, or his whole
self. Him we joined with us, our contemporary in grace, to be brought up in
Thy discipline; and we were baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished
from us. Nor was I sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of
considering the depth of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How
did I weep, in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of
Thy sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the Truth
distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion overflowed, and
tears ran down, and happy was I therein.
13 Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation and
exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice and hearts.
For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother to the Emperor
Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in favour of her heresy,
to which she was seduced by the Arians. The devout people kept watch in the
Church, ready to die with their Bishop Thy servant. There my mother Thy
handmaid, bearing a chief part of those anxieties and watchings, lived for
prayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by
the sight of the amazed and disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that
after the manner of the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung,
lest the people should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow: and from
that day to this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy
congregations, throughout other parts of the world following herein.
14 Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the bodies
of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst in Thy secret
treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou mightest seasonably
produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an Empress. For when they
were discovered and dug up, and with due honour translated to the Ambrosian
Basilica, not only they who were vexed with unclean spirits (the devils
confessing themselves) were cured, but a certain man who had for many years
been blind, a citizen, and well known to the city, asking and hearing the
reason of the people's confused joy, sprang forth, desiring his guide to lead
him thither. Led thither, he begged to be allowed to touch with his
handkerchief the bier of Thy saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight.
Which when he had done, and put to his eyes, they were forthwith opened.
Thence did the fame spread, thence Thy praises glowed, shone; thence the mind
of that enemy, though not turned to the soundness of believing, was yet turned
back from her fury of persecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God. Whence and
whither hast Thou thus led my remembrance, that I should confess these things
also unto Thee? which great though they be, I had passed by in forgetfulness.
And yet then, when the odour of Thy ointments was so fragrant, did we not run
after Thee. Therefore did I more weep among the singing of Thy Hymns, formerly
sighing after Thee, and at length breathing in Thee, as far as the breath may
enter into this our house of grass.
15 Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst join with us
Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being an officer of Court, was
before us converted to Thee and baptised: and quitting his secular warfare,
girded himself to Thine. We were together, about to dwell together in our
devout purpose. We sought where we might serve Thee most usefully, and were
together returning to Africa: whitherward being as far as Ostia, my mother
departed this life. Much I omit, as hastening much. Receive my confessions and
thanksgivings, O my God, for innumerable things whereof I am silent. But I
will not omit whatsoever my soul would bring forth concerning that Thy
handmaid, who brought me forth, both in the flesh, that I might be born to
this temporal light, and in heart, that I might be born to Light eternal. Not
her gifts, but Thine in her, would I speak of; for neither did she make nor
educate herself. Thou createdst her; nor did her father and mother know what a
one should come from them. And the sceptre of Thy Christ, the discipline of
Thine only Son, in a Christian house, a good member of Thy Church, educated
her in Thy fear. Yet for her good discipline was she wont to commend not so
much her mother's diligence, as that of a certain decrepit maid-servant, who
had carried her father when a child, as little ones use to be carried at the
backs of elder girls. For which reason, and for her great age, and excellent
conversation, was she, in that Christian family, well respected by its heads.
Whence also the charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her, to
which she gave diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, when necessary, with
a holy severity, and teaching them with a grave discretion. For, except at
those hours wherein they were most temperately fed at their parents' table,
she would not suffer them, though parched with thirst, to drink even water;
preventing an evil custom, and adding this wholesome advice: "Ye drink
water now, because you have not wine in your power; but when you come to be
married, and be made mistresses of cellars and cupboards, you will scorn
water, but the custom of drinking will abide." By this method of
instruction, and the authority she had, she refrained the greediness of
childhood, and moulded their very thirst to such an excellent moderation that
what they should not, that they would not.
16 And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her a love of
wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sober maiden, was bidden
by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshead, holding the vessel under the
opening, before she poured the wine into the flagon, she sipped a little with
the tip of her lips; for more her instinctive feelings refused. For this she
did, not out of any desire of drink, but out of the exuberance of youth,
whereby it boils over in mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits are wont
to be kept under by the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding to that
little, daily littles (for whoso despiseth little things shall fall by little
and little), she had fallen into such a habit as greedily to drink off her
little cup brim-full almost of wine. Where was then that discreet old woman,
and that her earnest countermanding? Would aught avail against a secret
disease, if Thy healing hand, O Lord, watched not over us? Father, mother, and
governors absent, Thou present, who createdst, who callest, who also by those
set over us, workest something towards the salvation of our souls, what didst
Thou then, O my God? how didst Thou cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out
of another soul bring forth a hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet out of Thy
secret store, and with one touch remove all that foul stuff? For a
maid-servant with whom she used to go to the cellar, falling to words (as it
happens) with her little mistress, when alone with her, taunted her with this
fault, with most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt she,
stung to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly condemned and
forsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so reproachful enemies mostly
correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what themselves purposed, dost
Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought to vex her young mistress, not to
amend her; and did it in private, either for that the time and place of the
quarrel so found them; or lest herself also should have anger, for discovering
it thus late. But Thou, Lord, Governor of all in heaven and earth, who turnest
to Thy purposes the deepest currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide of
times, didst by the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another; lest any,
when he observes this, should ascribe it to his own power, even when another,
whom he wished to be reformed, is reformed through words of his.
17 Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by Thee to her
parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of marriageable age,
being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her lord; and did her
diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto him by her conversation;
by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her reverently amiable, and admirable
unto her husband. And she so endured the wronging of her bed as never to have
any quarrel with her husband thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him,
that believing in Thee, he might be made chaste. But besides this, he was
fervid, as in his affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not to resist an
angry husband, not in deed only, but not even in word. Only when he was
smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive it, she would give an
account of her actions, if haply he had overhastily taken offence. In a word,
while many matrons, who had milder husbands, yet bore even in their faces
marks of shame, would in familiar talk blame their husbands' lives, she would
blame their tongues, giving them, as in jest, earnest advice: "That from
the time they heard the marriage writings read to them, they should account
them as indentures, whereby they were made servants; and so, remembering their
condition, ought not to set themselves up against their lords." And when
they, knowing what a choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had never
been heard, nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or
that there had been any domestic difference between them, even for one day,
and confidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice above
mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and returned thanks;
those who observed it not, found no relief, and suffered.
18 Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants incensed
against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering endurance and
meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her son the meddling
tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her daughter-in-law had
been disturbed, asking him to correct them. Then, when in compliance with his
mother, and for the well-ordering of the family, he had with stripes corrected
those discovered, at her will who had discovered them, she promised the like
reward to any who, to please her, should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to
her: and none now venturing, they lived together with a remarkable sweetness
of mutual kindness.
19 This great gift also Thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that good
handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between any
disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed herself such
a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most bitter things, such as swelling
and indigested choler uses to break out into, when the crudities of enmities
are breathed out in sour discourses to a present friend against an absent
enemy, she never would disclose aught of the one unto the other, but what
might tend to their reconcilement. A small good this might appear to me, did I
not to my grief know numberless persons, who through some horrible and
wide-spreading contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutually angered
things said in anger, but add withal things never spoken, whereas to humane
humanity, it ought to seem a light thing not to foment or increase ill will by
ill words, unless one study withal by good words to quench it. Such was she,
Thyself, her most inward Instructor, teaching her in the school of the heart.
20 Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life, did she
gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a believer, which
before he was a believer she had borne from him. She was also the servant of
Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her, did in her much praise and honour
and love Thee; for that through the witness of the fruits of a holy
conversation they perceived Thy presence in her heart. For she had been the
wife of one man, had requited her parents, had governed her house piously, was
well reported of for good works, had brought up children, so often travailing
in birth of them, as she saw them swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us Thy
servants, O Lord (whom on occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest to speak),
us, who before her sleeping in Thee lived united together, having received the
grace of Thy baptism, did she so take care of, as though she had been mother
of us all; so served us, as though she had been child to us all.
21 The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which day Thou
well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as I believe, by Thy
secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood alone, leaning in a certain
window, which looked into the garden of the house where we now lay, at Ostia;
where removed from the din of men, we were recruiting from the fatigues of a
long journey, for the voyage. We were discoursing then together, alone, very
sweetly; and forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto
those things which are before, we were enquiring between ourselves in the
presence of the Truth, which Thou art, of what sort the eternal life of the
saints was to be, which eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it entered
into the heart of man. But yet we gasped with the mouth of our heart, after
those heavenly streams of Thy fountain, the fountain of life, which is with
Thee; that being bedewed thence according to our capacity, we might in some
sort meditate upon so high a mystery.
22 And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest
delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, was, in
respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not worthy of comparison, but
not even of mention; we raising up ourselves with a more glowing affection
towards the "Self-same," did by degrees pass through all things
bodily, even the very heaven whence sun and moon and stars shine upon the
earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by inward musing, and discourse, and
admiring of Thy works; and we came to our own minds, and went beyond them,
that we might arrive at that region of never-failing plenty, where Thou
feedest Israel for ever with the food of truth, and where life is the Wisdom
by whom all these things are made, and what have been, and what shall be, and
she is not made, but is, as she hath been, and so shall she be ever; yea
rather, to "have been," and "hereafter to be," are not in
her, but only "to be," seeing she is eternal. For to "have
been," and to "be hereafter," are not eternal. And while we
were discoursing and panting after her, we slightly touched on her with the
whole effort of our heart; and we sighed, and there we leave bound the first
fruits of the Spirit; and returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where
the word spoken has beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word, our
Lord, who endureth in Himself without becoming old, and maketh all things new?
We were saying, then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed, hushed
the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the poles of heaven,
yea, the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking on self surmount
self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations, every tongue and every
sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition, since if any could hear, all
these say, We made not ourselves, but He made us that abideth for ever--If
then having uttered this, they too should be hushed, having roused only our
ears to Him who made them, and He alone speak, not by them, but by Himself,
that we may hear His Word, not through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel's voice,
nor sound of thunder, nor in the dark riddle of a similitude, but might hear
Whom in these things we love, might hear His Very Self without these (as we
two now strained ourselves, and in swift thought touched on that Eternal
Wisdom which abideth over all);--could this be continued on, and other visions
of kind far unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and wrap up
its beholder amid these inward joys, so that life might be for ever like that
one moment of understanding which now we sighed after; were not this, Enter
into thy Master's joy? And when shall that be? When we shall all rise again,
though we shall not all be changed?
23 Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and these
same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when we were speaking of
these things, and this world with all its delights became, as we spake,
contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for mine own part I have no
further delight in any thing in this life. What I do here any longer, and to
what end I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this world are
accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired to linger for a while in
this life, that I might see thee a Catholic Christian before I died. My God
hath done this for me more abundantly, that I should now see thee withal,
despising earthly happiness, become His servant: what do I here?"
24 What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarce five days
after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and in that sickness one
day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while withdrawn from these visible
things. We hastened round her; but she was soon brought back to her senses;
and looking on me and my brother standing by her, said to us enquiringly,
"Where was I?" And then looking fixedly on us, with grief amazed:
"Here," saith she, "shall you bury your mother." I held my
peace and refrained weeping; but my brother spake something, wishing for her,
as the happier lot, that she might die, not in a strange place, but in her own
land. Whereat, she with anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for that he
still savoured such things, and then looking upon me: "Behold,"
saith she, "what he saith": and soon after to us both,
"Lay," she saith, "this body any where; let not the care for
that any way disquiet you: this only I request, that you would remember me at
the Lord's altar, wherever you be." And having delivered this sentiment
in what words she could, she held her peace, being exercised by her growing
sickness.
25 But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest into the
hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring, did rejoice and
give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how careful and anxious she
had ever been as to her place of burial, which she had provided and prepared
for herself by the body of her husband. For because they had lived in great
harmony together, she also wished (so little can the human mind embrace things
divine) to have this addition to that happiness, and to have it remembered
among men, that after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthly of this
united pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same earth. But when
this emptiness had through the fulness of Thy goodness begun to cease in her
heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what she had so disclosed to me;
though indeed in that our discourse also in the window, when she said,
"What do I here any longer?" there appeared no desire of dying in
her own country. I heard afterwards also, that when we were now at Ostia, she
with a mother's confidence, when I was absent, one day discoursed with certain
of my friends about the contempt of this life, and the blessing of death: and
when they were amazed at such courage which Thou hadst given to a woman, and
asked, "Whether she were not afraid to leave her body so far from her own
city?" she replied, "Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared
lest at the end of the world, He should not recognise whence He were to raise
me up." On the ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty-sixth year
of her age, and the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was that religious and holy
soul freed from the body.
26 I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my heart,
which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time, by the violent
command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and woe was me in such
a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy Adeodatus burst out into a
loud lament; then, checked by us all, held his peace. In like manner also a
childish feeling in me, which was, through my heart's youthful voice, finding
its vent in weeping, was checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting
to solemnise that funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby do
they for the most part express grief for the departed, as though unhappy, or
altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her death, nor altogether
dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds, the testimony of her good
conversation and her faith unfeigned.
27 What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh wound
wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of living
together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in that her last sickness,
mingling her endearments with my acts of duty, she called me
"dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection of love, that she
never had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my mouth against
her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is there betwixt that
honour that I paid to her, and her slavery for me? Being then forsaken of so
great comfort in her, my soul was wounded, and that life rent asunder as it
were, which, of hers and mine together, had been made but one.
The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the Psalter, and
began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, I will sing of mercy
and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearing what we were doing, many brethren
and religious women came together; and whilst they (whose office it was) made
ready for the burial, as the manner is, I (in a part of the house, where I
might properly), together with those who thought not fit to leave me,
discoursed upon something fitting the time; and by this balm of truth assuaged
that torment, known to Thee, they unknowing and listening intently, and
conceiving me to be without all sense of sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none
of them heard, I blamed the weakness of my feelings, and refrained my flood of
grief, which gave way a little unto me; but again came, as with a tide, yet
not so as to burst out into tears, nor to a change of countenance; still I
knew what I was keeping down in my heart. And being very much displeased that
these human things had such power over me, which in the due order and
appointment of our natural condition must needs come to pass, with a new grief
I grieved for my grief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow.
28 And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned without
tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto Thee, when the
Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now the corpse was by the
grave's side, as the manner there is, previous to its being laid therein, did
I weep even during those prayers; yet was I the whole day in secret heavily
sad, and with troubled mind prayed Thee, as I could, to heal my sorrow, yet
Thou didst not; impressing, I believe, upon my memory by this one instance,
how strong is the bond of all habit, even upon a soul, which now feeds upon no
deceiving Word. It seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having heard that
the bath had its name (balneum) from the Greek balaneion, for that it drives
sadness from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy mercy, Father of the
fatherless, that I bathed, and was the same as before I bathed. For the
bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and woke
up again, and found my grief not a little softened; and as I was alone in my
bed, I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou art the
"Maker of all, the Lord,
And Ruler of the height,
Who, robing day in light, hast poured
Soft slumbers o'er the night,
That to our limbs the power
Of toil may be renew'd,
And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower,
And sorrows be subdu'd."
29 And then by little and little I recovered my
former thoughts of Thy handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy
tenderness and observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I
was minded to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in
my own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow as
much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it found rest in them,
for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who would have scornfully
interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess it unto Thee. Read
it, who will, and interpret it, how he will: and if he finds sin therein, that
I wept my mother for a small portion of an hour (the mother who for the time
was dead to mine eyes, who had for many years wept for me that I might live in
Thine eyes), let him not deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity,
let him weep himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren of
Thy Christ.
30 But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem blameworthy
for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in behalf of that Thy
handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing from a spirit shaken by the
thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth in Adam. And although she
having been quickened in Christ, even before her release from the flesh, had
lived to the praise of Thy name for her faith and conversation; yet dare I not
say that from what time Thou regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from
her mouth against Thy Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever
shall say unto his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. And
woe be even unto the commendable life of men, if, laying aside mercy, Thou
shouldest examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in enquiring after
sins, we confidently hope to find some place with Thee. But whosoever reckons
up his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to Thee but Thine own gifts? O
that men would know themselves to be men; and that he that glorieth would
glory in the Lord.
31 I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for a
while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do now beseech
Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat Thee, by the
Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now sitting at Thy right
hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. I know that she dealt mercifully, and
from her heart forgave her debtors their debts; do Thou also forgive her
debts, whatever she may have contracted in so many years, since the water of
salvation. Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I beseech Thee; enter not into judgment
with her. Let Thy mercy be exalted above Thy justice, since Thy words are
true, and Thou hast promised mercy unto the merciful; which Thou gavest them
to be, who wilt have mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy; and wilt have
compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion.
32 And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord, the
free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her dissolution now at
hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up, or embalmed with
spices; nor desired she a choice monument, or to be buried in her own land.
These things she enjoined us not; but desired only to have her name
commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had served without intermission of one
day: whence she knew that holy Sacrifice to be dispensed, by which the
hand-writing that was against us is blotted out; through which the enemy was
triumphed over, who summing up our offences, and seeking what to lay to our
charge, found nothing in Him, in Whom we conquer. Who shall restore to Him the
innocent blood? Who repay Him the price wherewith He bought us, and so take us
from Him? Unto the Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy handmaid bound her soul
by the bond of faith. Let none sever her from Thy protection: let neither the
Lion nor the dragon interpose himself by force or fraud. For she will not
answer that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by the crafty
accuser: but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by Him, to Whom
none can repay that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid for us.
33 May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she had
never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit unto Thee, that
she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my God, inspire Thy
servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with voice, and heart, and pen
I serve, that so many as shall read these Confessions, may at Thy Altar
remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose
bodies Thou broughtest me into this life, how I know not. May they with devout
affection remember my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee
our Father in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that eternal
Jerusalem which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus, even unto
their return thither. That so my mother's last request of me, may through my
Confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through the prayers of many,
more abundantly fulfilled to her.
BOOK ten
TABLE OF CONTENTS
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